Making Sense of Grief

Grief is a deeply personal experience. No two people respond to the death of a loved one in exactly the same way. Over the years, counsellors and therapists have used various models to help clients better understand how grief and mourning unfolds. These frameworks do not prescribe how someone should grieve; instead, they offer language and insight that can normalise an overwhelming emotional process. Below are just a few of the bereavement models used in therapy today.

The ‘Five Stages of Grief’

This is perhaps the most widely recognised model proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She suggested that individuals move through five emotional stages following loss:

Denial - shock and numbness that protect us from overwhelming pain

Anger - frustration at the unfairness of loss

Bargaining - ‘if only they had gone to see their doctor sooner’

Depression - deep sorrow and withdrawal

Acceptance - acknowledging reality and beginning to adjust

This model can be comforting as it validates the intensity and variability of grief. However, it is often misunderstood as a linear process. In reality, people move back and forth between stages, skip some entirely or experience them in a different order.

The Dual Process Model

This model proposed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut offers a gentler, more flexible understanding of grief. It suggests that people oscillate between two orientations:

Loss-oriented coping: crying, yearning, remembering

Restoration-oriented coping: adapting to new roles, rebuilding life

This back-and-forth movement is seen as normal and necessary for healing. Days of functioning can be interupted by sudden waves of sadness but this does not signify regression, it reflects the natural rhythm of grief.

The Tonkin Model: Grief Doesn’t Shrink - Life Grows Around It

Many people fear that working through a bereavement means losing connection with the person who has died. The Tonkin Model offers a comforting perspective:

At first, grief fills your entire life - there is no space for anything else.

Over time, the grief stays the same size, but your life grows bigger around it.

This model recognizes that you don’t ‘get over your bereavement’ but you can learn to live with it. The love you have for the person continues - just in a different form. An ongoing connection continues in memories, traditions and everything you shared together.

Continuing Bonds Theory

Some well-meaning people tell you to ‘let go’ of your grief. However, Continuing Bonds Theory challenges that idea, suggesting many people maintain an ongoing emotional relationship with the deceased which might involve:

talking to the person in private moments

cherishing photographs or mementos

carrying values forward in their honour

Maintaining bonds can provide comfort, connection and meaning, not dysfunction. Therapy can help individuals navigate this bond in a supportive way.

When Grief Becomes Complicated

For some individuals, grief may become traumatic or prolonged, particularly in cases of:

sudden or violent death

unresolved conflict in the relationship

multiple losses in a short time

lack of support

disenfranchised grief (any loss which is not validated or recognised eg, miscarriage, the death of a former partner r suicide)

Complicated grief often includes persistent longing, intense guilt or an inability to rebuild your life. In these cases, specialist therapeutic support is crucial.

Final Thoughts

Grief is not something to ‘get over’ but something we learn to live with. Bereavement models can provide reassurance. Healing comes from expressing your feelings through authentic emotional expression, support from others and time.

If you or someone you care about is grieving, connecting with a therapist can provide a safe and steady space for you to honour the love that remains and gently make sense of the emotions that come with loss.